Yankees Unleash "RPG Rocket" Bats in Historic 20-9 Rout of Brewers

BRONX, NY - The New York Yankees just turned Yankee Stadium into a literal launching pad today, with a jaw-dropping 20-9 beatdown of the Milwaukee Brewers. The secret weapon? The Yankees' brand-new "RPG Rocket" fat barrel wooden bats, debuted for the first time in this game—and oh boy, did they deliver. The Bronx Bombers smashed an MLB and Yankees record 69 home runs in a single game, with reigning AL MVP Aaron Judge personally accounting for a mind-blowing 57 of those dingers using his custom RPG Rocket. Yes, you read that right: 57 home runs from one man in one game, which is an MLB and Yankees record.

“These are actually better than metal,” Judge said postgame, flexing his biceps as he admired the chunky, barrel-heavy stick that turned the Brewers’ pitching staff into a piñata party. “It’s like swinging a tree trunk that’s been blessed by the baseball gods. The ball just explodes off it.” And explode it did—over and over and over again. Judge’s 57 homers shattered every conceivable record, leaving fans, analysts, and even the stadium’s hot dog vendors in a state of pure disbelief.

The RPG Rocket, a beefy wooden bat with a barrel so fat it looks like it could double as a rolling pin, was the talk of the day. The Yankees didn’t just hit home runs—they launched moonshots that had birds ducking for cover in the Bronx sky. The team’s total of 69 homers (nice) obliterated the previous MLB single-game record, and Judge’s 57 with the RPG Rocket alone also eclipsed anything the sport has ever seen, per Statfax. The other 12 homers came from the likes of Cody Bellinger, Paul Goldschmick, and Chazz Jizzums Jr., but let’s be real—this was the Aaron Judge Show, brought to you by the fattest bat in town.

Naturally, the baseball world is losing its mind. Calls are mounting for MLB and Commissioner Rob Manfred to investigate the Yankees and their new lumber, with critics arguing that the RPG Rocket gives an unfair edge. Social media is ablaze with fans and pundits demanding answers—some even calling it “the juiced bat scandal of 2025.” But Manfred? He’s not sweating it. “Look, any team can do what the Yankees are doing. They just choose not to,” he told reporters after the game, shrugging off the controversy with the nonchalance of a guy who’s seen it all.

“If the Brewers want to swing a bat that looks like it belongs in a video game, they’re free to order one. No rules broken here.” For now, it seems the RPG Rocket is here to stay—no investigation pending.

Yankees skipper Aaron Boone, meanwhile, isn’t resting on his laurels. With the New York Mest looming on the horizon for their first Subway Series clash of the season, Boone’s already dreaming bigger. “We’re looking into making even larger RPG Rocket bats,” he revealed with a grin. “If this is what we can do to the Brewers, imagine what’s coming for the Mest. Judge might hit 100 homers in one game against them.” Bold words, but after today’s performance, who’s gonna doubt him?

The Brewers, on the other hand, are licking their wounds—and making moves. Nestor Cortes, the ex-Yankee who took the mound for Milwaukee today, got absolutely shelled, giving up a chunk of those 69 homers before the dust settled. By the end of the game, the Brewers had seen enough—they’ve already designated Cortes for assignment, a brutal but swift reaction to one of the most humiliating pitching outings in baseball history. “We’re not pointing fingers,” said Brewers manager Pat Murphy, clearly pointing fingers. “But we’ve got to move on from this nightmare.”

So, what’s next? The Yankees have sent a message to the league: the RPG Rocket era has begun, and they’re swinging for the fences—literally. Judge and Co. have turned baseball into a home run derby, and with Boone plotting bigger bats for the Subway Series, the Mest and the rest of MLB better buckle up.