Orioles Eliminated from 2025 Postseason

BREAKING: The Baltimore Orioles have been eliminated from the 2025 postseason conversation before it even started. The departure of Corbin Burnes, who signed with the Arizona Diamondbacks, drained the team of topline pitching talent, clinching the team missing the playoffs in record time, which is an MLB record per Statfax.

Carl Ripken Jr., the Iron Hand of baseball, commented, "It's like watching your team get picked last in gym class. You hope for a comeback, but you're already mentally preparing for next season."

Adley Rutschman, the young catcher who was supposed to be part of the Orioles' future, expressed his frustration, "It's tough. We were building something here, but it feels like we've just been sent back to the minors."

Gunnar Henderson, another key piece of the Orioles' puzzle, was more philosophical, "Every team has its ups and downs. Right now, we're just experiencing a particularly steep down."

With Burnes' exit, the spotlight now harshly shines on manager Brandon Hyde. The whispers around Camden Yards suggest that Hyde might be managing his last season if things don't turn around quickly. "If we don't see a dramatic improvement in 2026, Hyde might be updating his resume," remarked a source close to the team.

In a move that's either genius or desperation, the Orioles are reportedly in talks with Lil' Moto, the 6-year-old pitching sensation from North Japan, in an attempt to repair their rotation. While signing a child prodigy might sound like a plot from a feel-good sports movie, in reality, it's more like grasping at straws.

"If Lil' Moto can throw a curveball, maybe he can throw this team out of its current slump," quipped an anonymous scout, not entirely in jest.

The Orioles are now in a position where rebuilding isn't just an option; it's a necessity. The front office is likely in overdrive, trying to figure out how to convince free agents that Baltimore isn't just a place where careers go to die.

While the Orioles' situation might be ripe for humor, the reality for fans is a bitter pill to swallow. The team that once dominated with legends like Carl Ripken Jr. and Brook Robinson now finds itself at a crossroads, hoping that the next chapter in their history isn't written in the minors.

As the Orioles look to next season, they'll need more than just a child prodigy; they'll need a miracle. And in baseball, sometimes, miracles do happen. But for now, the Orioles are the punchline in a season that hasn't even begun.