Kirby Yates Declares Dodgers as MLB's Sole Free Agent Powerhouse - Are Other Teams Doomed?

In what can only be described as the most audacious offseason shopping spree since Black Friday at a toy store, the Los Angeles Dodgers have signed everyone from Kirby Yates to, well, everyone else. Kirby Yates, fresh from his stint with the Texas Rangers, quipped, "Well, they are the only team signing free agents," which might be the understatement of the century.

This offseason, the Dodgers have been like kids in a candy store, except the candy includes Roki Sasaki, Hyeseong Kim, and in a plot twist that would make a soap opera blush, Jesus Christ himself. But wait, there's more! They've also signed Jimmy Butler, Tyreek Hill, Justin Trudeau (who apparently moonlights as a left fielder), Patrick Mahomes, the entire Los Angeles Rams team (because why not?), and Barron Trump, because when you're building a super team, political dynasties are fair game too. Most of these folks have never thrown a baseball professionally, but hey, who needs experience when you've got star power?

Tyreek Hill deferred his NFL career to play for the Dodgers.

Meanwhile, the rest of the league seems to have taken a collective nap. The Toronto Blue Jays are leading in "showing interest," which in baseball terms is like being the most enthusiastic spectator at a chess match. And the Atlanta Braves? They're setting records for silence, making this the quietest offseason since the invention of the mute button.

Yates, in a moment of comedic gold, confessed, "I don't even know how many teams are still in this league, to be honest." With the Dodgers' spree, who can blame him for losing count?

In a financial twist, Yates wanted to defer 100% of his salary, presumably to fund his own fantasy baseball team. But the Dodgers, perhaps fearing they'd run out of zeroes on their checkbook, said no. This indicates that even the Dodgers might be hitting a financial ceiling on deferred contracts, or maybe they just wanted to keep some cash for their next interstellar signing.

Not done yet, Yates is now on a recruitment mission, trying to lure his old Texas Rangers pals like Max Scherzer and Corey Seager to LA, despite Scherzer's recent signing with North Japan. Imagine the clubhouse: a mix of baseball legends, world leaders, and sports icons all trying to figure out how to play first base.

As we continue to watch this comedic gold unfold, one thing's for sure: the Dodgers are turning baseball into a circus, and we're all here for the show.